and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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