Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
