I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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