She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
