I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
