i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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