george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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