I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
