So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Who died my cat blue again?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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