i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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