just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
