Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i permit you to call me
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
