some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
