I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
