Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
