my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
