my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
