I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
That was an excessively violent trivia night
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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