The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize