I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
as a side note pls kill me
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
