I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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