It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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