woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
