im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
