I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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