Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
