i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
