Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
