proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
