ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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