In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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