im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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