wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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