Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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