I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize