Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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