I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize