Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My cat gives me a boner
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
