I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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