tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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