I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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