My liver just broke up with me...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
