you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
How external is "for external use only"?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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