You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
