Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
