Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
