I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
