I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
