She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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