My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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