I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
