just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
