I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
