guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
