I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
