a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
At least make sure they are 18
Why
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
is wine microwaveable?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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