Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Come on in and take your pants off
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